A Lesson in Never Losing Hope

The doom was impending, my sorrow unending
My fingers unclenched, let go of the ledge
And that's when the dawn, it finally broke
Releasing my words and voice, unchoked

So…it's been a hugely long while since I last blogged and that makes me feel really dumb because I'm pretty sure that just a couple of posts ago, I promised to blog more. Only…it's been so long since I last posted, that it's very difficult to remember what I wrote.
Buuuut, I do have news, and I thought I'd share it on this not-so-public-but-somewhat-public forum, because I'm pretty damn excited about the prospects.

Let me give you some context.

Two weeks ago, I was in Chicago, having just been given a HUGE pile of work that needed to be turned around into output within half an hour, in time for a major internal pull-up meeting. Fine, I can do it, may be tight, but hell, I'm efficient and good at what I do, so it'll be fine.

Problem #1: My computer crashes
I'm working with a 600 MB model which I created and unfortunately for me, the sheer size of this monstrosity means that my computer is wont to just stop working every now and again. Annoying, because it takes about half an hour to get everything back up and running again. Worse off if I've forgotten to save and must rely on the doom of dooms, Microsoft Office Auto-Save.

Problem #2: I get an important email
So this email comes in all of a sudden, while I'm trying to figure out how to minimize the amount of work I've lost due to Problem #1. And…maybe this needs context. So back up another week. I've just received four rejection letters from med schools (and one from McGill which was conspicuously missing even though their interview date had long passed -- jerks…) and I was feeling pretty down, you know, going through the exercise of reevaluating my life (AGAIN) and trying to figure out what the heck to do with my career. It was a rough week because (and it probably didn't help that I decided in a fit of rebelliousness, to tack all the rejection letters up on my wall) I was away from home, working an insane number of hours, all the while being told that oh yeah, that dream you have of being a doctor and actually making impact -- yeah, that's not going to happen. So…fast forward. I had resigned myself to a lifetime of unfulfilledness, when this email comes in, with an enticing subject line: "University of Toronto MD Interview." Oh my goodness. My heart started to race (even faster, because recall, I was stressed about the computer crashing and the impending deadline, now 20 minutes away), and I opened the email. Turns out, I received an invitation to an interview at U of T, of all school, for med school starting in September. I almost let out a whoop! when I remembered that I was in an office, an office where no one knows I'm applying to med school. Riiiight. And impending deadline. Now 16 minutes away, after having reread the email twice.

I proceed to go insane, quietly in my cubicle, because I can't tell anyone in the office, I have to pound out a bunch of work, and I don't have time to call or email my family or friends.
Anywho, I got through the day, which ended up being one of the best days of my life, mostly because of the invitation, but also because I got off work early around 8pm and got to wander around Michigan Avenue for several hours, alone. Called my family and John to tell them the good news, and the more excited they got, the more nervous I got.

So my interview was last Friday, and I think that it went well. Maybe not amazing, because there were a few things that I wish I had talked about that I never got around to, but for the most part, it was informal and conversation in style, and I tried to be as honest as possible. I unfortunately didn't get to prepare for it as much as I would have liked, having spent the week in Seattle working 20 hour days (yeah…that's a record, even for me) and spending all of Thursday trying to fly back to Toronto and not miss the interview (delayed flight = mild heart attack).

I think it really struck me though, the gravity of what Friday was. It was really a chance for me to grab all that I've wanted to do for the last three years, and finally bring to me what I'm pretty sure I deserve and what I definitely want. It was really nice to take the chance to reflect on why I want medicine, especially after having spent several months in this job. I got really excited about medicine again, and I hope that I was able to communicate that.

So, I'm not sure what's going to happen. I won't find out if I got an offer until mid-May, and maybe the offer will never materialize. Maybe it will. Maybe I'll be wait-listed. But what I am sure of is that the email I got from U of T is going up on my wall, on top of the rejection letters. It's nice to know that I was able to secure an interview despite everyone telling me that I wouldn't be able to because of my marks. It's also nice, right now, to visualize me starting med school in September. It feels great, and it gives me hope, and I think my hope has been recharged enough so that if I don't get an offer, I'll reapply this fall, something I had decided against when my rejection letters rolled in.

So, please, hope for me. Pray for me. Cross fingers for me. I really need this.