Learning to pick up the pieces

Between my life and dreams I'm torn
But now I feel much less forlorn
And end the frowns, refuse to mourn
Instead, embrace my goals reborn

I must admit that even though it's only my fourth week of travelling, I think that it's done wonders for my development as a person. Maybe this post is symbolic, in a way. After the outpouring of responses to my previous post, in which I griped and complained about consulting, I've had some time to think about this entire experience, and how, even if it's not for me in the long- (or mid-, or short-) term, it has, much in the way we do for each person with whom we come in contact, helped me to change and develop and even grow a little. And so, as a toast to my maturing and growing up, here's to where this job has brought me.

When I accepted this position, I was super excited about travelling, but when it actually came time to do it, I was a little intimidated by the fact that I'd be travelling, not only by myself, but to places where I'd have to perform like crazy. It's not just like going away on vacation, or going away because I wanted to do something, but it's more like being yanked out of your comfortable surroundings, thrown in with a bunch of other Type As, nestled in the bosom of a client who demands utter perfection, as you are forced to stay awake for hours longer than even the last week before your 4th year thesis is due, and expected to perform without making mistakes and maintaining a professional and confident demeaner before the client at all times.

It is difficult to perform when there are other factors, such as your wariness of strange cities, that threaten to beat you down.

And so I am glad that I'm here. Even though I'm being forced to spend the weekend in Boston, even though I have not had a day off (including weekends) in the last month, even though I am tired beyond belief (not joking about the thesis thing -- this is much worse, and yet more menial), even though I go back to my hotel room and feel like crying from stress but I for some reason am finding it physically impossible to get this release, I am glad that I have been given this opportunity.

I feel I have starting to gain the independence and confidence that I've been so desperately searching for. I've always felt deep down that I am much of a baby, and though I tend to hold in front of me this bulletproof guise of confidence (which has unfortunately, in many instances, landed me the unholy label "feminist"), it has been and still is almost entirely fabricated. But this -- this has forced me to fight my own battles with my own tools. And though there have been setbacks and criticism, I feel that my good work, my good thinking, my patience, have each contributed to making me more and more confident in my own skills and abilities. I still feel, in many cases, that I am smarter than most people (and maybe this is a remnant of engsci…but whatever), but I'm starting to actually gain evidence for this. The world is full of stupid people, and I'll continue to profit from this, both personally and financially, but I'm also learning that this is something that is not a factor for ridicule. Some people just aren't as smart -- but why does that give me the right to make fun of them? I stink at a lot of things, and that's no reason to make me the subject of mean-spirited jest.

Anyways, I'm learning a lot, and I'm learning how to do it on my own. I'm learning a little more every day how not to be scared, and how to take whatever position I am in and use it to my advantage. I know that everyone means well when they tell me that I should go find another job. But I feel that this job has given me the tools to try and do what it is that I feel I need to do (whether it's to go non-profit at every chance possible, or do some pro-bono on the side, or try and educate business-types to be socially, environmentally, and ethically conscious). When else would I have access to the people that I have access to? In what other jobs would I be able to meet the CEO of a multi billion dollar company, and work directly with CFOs, SVPs, and other executives?

And more importantly -- how can I use these contacts to achieve my ultimate goal of making a difference?