Last of the first

Eons elapsed, but resolve is intact
Decisions were made I've yet to retract
For lack of a science that's all but exact
Gone searching out things that I'd known to have lacked

So today is my last (!) exam of first year, and as it comes to an end at 4 pm (or potentially earlier, because I'm feeling pretty good about the material), it'll be over, finally.

And instead of using this precious morning time studying, as I should be, I'm feeling a little reflective, which is really not surprising for anyone who knows me at all.

It's been a fun year, overall, with definite improvements to my personal and professional lives. I smile more, I'm happy more often, I cry less. And for me, that's a definite win, despite seeing my Aeroplan and Starwood accounts go somewhat stagnant (although, I get to use the fruits of my flying on my Cambo trip, so that's a least a nice little taste of what my life used to be like -- yay for upgrades).

And while I haven't regretted my decision to leave consulting for a second, there are a few things that I've learned or thought about this year that I think have grown me up a little, or at least helped give me a little perspective on how life has changed over the last year. Be prepared for a long post, but in typical engineer-style, I've headlined it to allow readers to skip the parts they think are boring. The blog, after all, is my own indulgence in myself...

(1) I'm Done Changing
Dumbest assumption ever. I thought that I'd finished with all my personal development the minute I stepped out of my last exam in fourth year. Little did I know that I would continue to change and grow for the next two years. It's funny though, but in many ways, it takes removal from a situation for one to realize just how much personal growth one goes through in any situation. As much as I complain about the time I'd spent consulting, there was a lot that I learned during that period: about my work habits (good and bad), how to deal with others, how I respond in situations, and what remuneration means to me in the long run.

I think it polished me, having had a career. And I think that being able to walk away from it was a great experience (though scary; while I was pretty sure that I wanted to get into medicine, there's always a shadow of doubt that lingers overhead, questioning motives -- and how could I have been sure that medicine wouldn't just be the next thing, in a long line of things, that I wouldn't like?) -- well, it's easy to remember when you're walking away from something that "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush." Especially when the bird in your hand has promised you free vacations and a good salary (though, at the cost of severe loneliness). Anyways, I think I've really finally started to understand what it means to grow and develop. And though my personal development may not be as obvious anymore, it's still there.

And in the last year, I think the most important thing I've learned about myself is how to be myself. It was always easier to be archetypal -- because then someone would always respond positively. But now, now that I'm too old and too tired to be "it" rather than "me," I've found that people respond well anyways. I don't go out of my way to be super friendly anymore (because it's just no longer worth it), but I've still managed to make new friends and develop good relationships. And that's a whole weight off my chest.

(2) Frick yeah, I'm still a kid

I'm totally a child, and I'm hoping to never lose that. I think that's what suffered most, being away from school -- my ability act like a kid, to remember what it's like to be childish, and to feel like being mature means being mature all the time. Only...it doesn't. I can still be grown up and mature and forget to forget what it's like to have ridiculous fun.



(3) You Can't Make Them
Year after year, I come up with all these stupid resolutions. In some ways, I think I am trying to change myself, but I already know that I don't need resolutions to do that. I'm a pretty "get to it" person that gets things done when I want to. But I think the root of a good number of my resolutions recently have stemmed from my lack of control of others in my life. Not that I'm asking for control of them...but I've always tried to be an enabler in the lives of others, to do things that I think are better. And I think it may be time to take a step back from all of that.

Prime example, without getting too detailed: I can beat down the doors all I want, but if someone is just not ready to open up to me, or ready to care about me, they're not going to. And yes, it hurts, because I think I often overestimate the importance of my relationships with others...okay slightly off-topic...but you can't make people do things until they're ready. And while I'm not at the point in my life where I can be comfortable with people never being ready...I can try and be comfortable with knowing that they're not ready right now.

It's about revisiting your current assumptions. Fortunately, the corollary to all this that sometimes people do surprise you in positive ways. I got together with some people on Monday, just to see them before I leave the country for three months. And I was happily surprised that some of the people that came, came. It's nice to know that people care about you, even when you're not so sure that they do. It's great when you realize that people are generally good and kind and thoughtful -- and perhaps the ones that aren't shouldn't be getting such an emphasis in your life anyways.

(4) Chill
I've finally learned to relax. FINALLY. And for that, I'm thankful. In fact, this trip this summer -- I'm not planning the traveling in advance. I've got places I'd like to go...but no official route, and tonnes and tonnes of flexibility.

(5) I can make a mean granola

I've given up on buying all those granola bar pieces of crap that they sell in the supermarket. They're actually pretty unhealthy. So I started making it myself. And yum.


And that funny-looking yellow stuff in the mug in the picture? Yeah, that's hand made mangonana smoothie. Make with a mango, banana, milk, a fork, and a tupperware cup. Needless to say, it was chunky. But not to bad-tasting. Will continue to experiment in the upcoming years.


(6) Don't be too scared to perform


I'd known that I love performing for a really long time. I used to perform for piano a lot, and I love the thrill of the audience. But somewhere along the way, I stopped performing, and I started being scared of many things. It's so much easier all the time to just shy away from scary things and do what's comfortable; the downside of course, is that it's hard to develop when nothing new ever gets done. So I figured it was time to push the boundaries a bit. And so this year I joined the rock band at school (Orbital Groove) and was a cast member of Daffydil. And I don't think I've ever had so much fun before. No extracurriculars I've ever been part of have given me the same rush, the same sense of accomplishment, and the same amount of fun. Needless to say, I'll be rocking it out again next year, but also carrying with me a newfound sense of "throw caution into the wind" and just do the things that scare me, because it may lead to surprising results.

So that's it, folks, my not-so-groundbreaking thoughts from 2007-2008, as the school year draws to a close. I have to go write an exam now. Uh...I should probably review meningitis though, because I have no idea what's going on with that.