Stuck in the T-Dot

It's funny when you're running and you're stalling at the start
When you've forgot to bring the jumper cables to your heart
You're brain's a mass of grey that's sitting quivering like jelly
And waiting waiting waiting in the future's underbelly

So now I'm stuck in Toronto, for goodness knows how long.

• * Partially I took this job because I was genuinely interested in finding out more about business.
• * Fractionallly I took this job because I was ready to expand my base of people to include non-engineers (not including boyfriends of friends).
• * Marginally I took this job because I wanted to live the lifestyle
• * But mostly I took this job because I wanted to travel around and expand my view of the world beyond the self-drawn borders that I've already penciled in.

And unfortunately, my plans, as they always are, have been somewhat thwarted.

The last case that I worked on at ABC was an internal case, so I was in Toronto (during the summer) which was okay, but a little sad because most of the people in my office were off all over the place in the world working. But it was a short case, only three weeks. And I sat in Toronto, ruminating.

Now that case has wrapped up and I'm starting a new one tomorrow that will likely last closer to four months, and will take me as far as a suburb of the GTA. In which I live. Right on. To be honest, the case sounds great and I'm looking forward to the work, but at the same time, I need to get out.

I'm starting to feel stir crazy in my life. It's not really just the lack of work travel, but it's like it's everything that I'm feeling all at once. I'm beginning to feel much more independent and self-reliant than I ever have before, and I'm ready to step out on my own and just try and rely on me. But it's been difficult because I'm a little confused, and stalling.

• * I'm planning for the long run in this job, but I'm still applying to med school.
• * I'm ready to move out of home, purchase my first place, but I'm not seriously looking because if I end up in school, I won't want major fixed assets.
• * I'm dying to buy a car...but see bullet 2.
• * I'm ready to move on to the next stage in my life...and yet not.

There's this crazy push and pull that I'm feeling, and it's really weird because I'm having trouble committing myself to anything because in many ways I feel like I'm still stuck in school mode. My brother moved into university last week for his first year, and I was super jealous -- despite that things are going really well for me right now. I still feel like I miss school so much.

And so when I say I'm stuck in Toronto, I don't mean it just in the sense of not being able to travel for work, but I feel stuck in my wavering, that I can't make any decisions, and while I'm ready to move on and grow up, I'm not ready to actually take that step forward in any segment of my life.

It's tough, this growing up thing.

And I'm hitting my middle twenties next week (assuming that 23 is a middle twenty...).

And THAT I think I hate more than anything.