Our pain and our pride

A double-edged sword is the love that we share
The subsequent pain that with it we bear
These truthful companions, not one without twin
And thus inescapable, is pain's darkest whim

It struck me this week that everyone seems to be in so much pain. My Gung Gung died recently, and it was really hard on me, especially since I was there for the last month, through both hospital visits, the one where he recovered and was sent home, and other, where my denial had me thinking the entire time that he'd be going home. And I was there at the end, when he was finally able to leave. And I was sad for a while, first getting through hours without crying, then days, then weeks. And on my path to healing, there have recently been entire days when I don't think about him.

And then one of my classmates, who happens to be in my ASCM group, was away from school for a week and a half. She emailed me to let me know that her grandmother had died suddenly and unexpectedly, and that she would be with her family for a little while. And I was as supportive as I could be, but the fact is, nothing I could do or say was going to make anything any better for her.

Then this morning, I received an email from a member of OG, saying that he'd be away from school for a little while because his grandfather is gravely ill, suffering from myasthenia gravis, experiencing respiratory collapse, and refusing ventilation. And I was as supportive as I could be, but the fact is, nothing I could do or say was going to make anything any better for him.

It suddenly hit me that each of us is very lucky. The fact that we suffer or feel pain is like badge, really, and reminds us that we love, and if we're so lucky, are loved back. The three of us are not particularly close (and I'm not even sure that the two of them know each other), but there is something spiritual about the way we have been connected in our suffering, learning to lean and rely on each other.

The OG member was actually quite instrumental (and I never told him this) in helping me deal with my own loss. When I told him the news, more because I had to miss a meeting than to actually let him know what was going on in my life, he responded by telling me about his own grandfather, who died last year during Anatomy, and how difficult it was for him to be at school, in the cadaver labs. And that shared emotion actually really helped.

It's nice to know that we are not alone in our suffering, and even better to know that our suffering is a symbol of the greatness of being connected as humans. As Paul said: "...but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us..."